I Don’t Like Change
Like, at all. Big change, little change, medium change. I know this isn’t unusual, but I’ve been hyper-aware of it for as long as I can remember. I wish I was adaptable. I wish I was one of those breezy, go-with-the-flow people who just float along, trusting the universe’s timing, without feeling a literal gut-clench when plans shift. But alas, I am a planner. A twelve-steps-ahead, week-mapped-out, needs-to-know-what’s-happening kind of person.
If you’ve ever seen me talking on social media about “being in flow” and “trusting divine timing,” you’d never guess that a minor change in plans can send me into a full-on existential spiral. Because 1) no one wants to be around someone who throws a fit about doing the thing we already planned, and 2) I’m really trying to be one of those effortless, adaptable people. I am working on it. I promise.
Some days, I actually succeed! I let go, I surrender, I flow. And then there are days like today, where I simply cannot ignore the fact that I. HATE. CHANGE.
Today was supposed to be my day off. Not a vacation, not a self-care spa day—just a day where I didn’t have to be in work mode. No laptop, no emails, no content creation. Just me, full-time momming with Hawthorne, taking a walk, sitting in the sun while he napped, maybe binging Ted Lasso, and eating the Picadillo my mom made last night. I dreamed of this rest. I planned for it. I counted down to it.
And then I wake up, and Robby casually says: “My day is pretty flexible, so you can work all day if you want.”
Shit. That wasn’t the plan. I finished all my tasks yesterday. I had nothing on my to-do list. But also… I could work. I should work. What if I hit a crazy-busy day next week and regret not using this free time to get ahead? My brain instantly short-circuited.
I slammed my hands on my desk (in my head). I dramatically pushed myself out of my chair (also in my head). And then, in a whispered panic (because Robby was on a work call), I muttered, I CAN’T WORK TODAY.
But I tried. I put oil in my greasy hair (which was supposed to be a deep-conditioning day). I put on makeup (bare-faced day? Ruined). I set up my diffuser (Black Spruce, Eucalyptus, Peppermint, Grapefruit—a desperate attempt to manifest productivity). I sat at my computer and… nothing.
No emails. No urgent tasks. No content to edit. I doom-scrolled (brain-melting). I attempted a to-do list (empty). I tried to write my newsletter (dull). My brain was not in work mode. It had already clocked into mom mode. And it was not switching gears anytime soon.
Then it hit me: I am a Generator (for my fellow Human Design nerds out there). And today? My sacral energy was not lit up by work. Forcing myself to push through would only lead to drained energy and uninspired content. I know better. I know that when I force things, they never turn out well.
So, I gave in. I stopped trying to force productivity and instead… I listened. I cut flowers and made a bouquet. I actually ate lunch (a rarity on workdays). And you know what happened?
I had an idea.
The very thing I’d been struggling with—what to write for the Journal section of my website—suddenly became clear. When I let myself rest, the creativity flowed effortlessly.
The universe really said, “Girl, just chill for a second, and I’ll give you what you need.” And it did.
So today, I celebrate two things:
Finally listening to my body.
Writing this journal entry that I had absolutely no idea I was going to write.
Maybe next time, I won’t need to slam my imaginary hands on the desk to learn this lesson. (But let’s be real… I probably will.)
Love,
Suzy
